Wednesday, April 11, 2012
So THAT'S what happened
I thought I must have done some blogging between 2008 and 2012. Quite by accident today, I discovered that blog. I decided to go ahead and import most of the posts into this one. So, slightly more connection between the old and the new, for those of you following along (which probably is none of you).
Friday, April 06, 2012
Some updates
Politics
Okay, okay, so I vastly underestimated the Republican capability for hatred and slime. In retrospect, too, I think I underestimated racism and over-estimated the anti-Hillary feeling; I now think she could have gotten elected, and maybe we'd have been better off. I still like Obama a great deal, but I have been disappointed by him in some areas. I thought he should have done more when he had a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate: most particularly, repeal the Bush tax cuts on top earners sooner. I also wish he'd fought harder (or at all, really) for a public option in health care reform. Most of all, the encroachments on civil liberties in the name of "homeland security" have largely not been reversed, and in some cases made worse. I would like to believe that, given access to the information available to the President, he has reluctantly decided that such measures are absolutely necessary...but without access to that information myself, how can I know?
Nonetheless, given the alternatives we're being offered, I will certainly vote for the man in November. OMG, GOP: do you have some kind of bet going on to see who the worst possible candidate can be? Or (scarier thought) do that many people seriously agree with a substantial amount of what Rick Santorum says?
Personal
Personal life: well, I went to truck driving school, went out as a driver trainee for a few months, and was terminated due to two accidents (neither involving injuries; the first seriously damaged the trailer; the second was barely a scratch, but there was a "two strikes and you're out" policy for trainees). I might possibly have been able to get another position -- in fact, currently I'm getting lots of emails from the company advertising free training, so they're clearly desperate for people -- but now, I have to admit, I'd be scared to. I got pretty comfortable with driving on the freeway -- that's the easy part -- and imagine I eventually would have learned to cope with the difficulties of backing the trailer into loading docks. But driving on city streets in traffic....maybe I just don't have as much situational awareness as I thought, or maybe my many years of driving hundreds of thousands of miles in small cars and trucks has ingrained too many habits in me, but I don't think I'm cut out for it. Too bad in some ways, but possibly for the best in others; the social isolation of a truck driver's life (at least the kind of cross-country driving we were doing) might have been a very bad thing for me (and living for weeks on end in a truck cab with a co-driver and no privacy is even worse).
Currently doing customer service work, something I actually rather wanted to get into, as I always thought I'd be good at it....and I am. I like the problem-solving, and I like actually fixing things for people; fortunately, I work for a company that actually wants you to fix things for people and gives you the power to do so, rather than one which is only willing to go to the effort or spend the money when there's no alternative. I don't particularly care for the more "sales" part of the job -- taking orders for people who know what they want is fine, but trying to recommend things for people, or encouraging them to buy more or upgrade, isn't my forte. Fortunately, again, the company doesn't judge us by our sales figures or pay us on commission, or encourage us to use any kind of high-pressure techniques (we are supposed to offer upgrades and options, but the key word there is "offer" -- if people say no, move on).
Downside is that after about two and a half years, I'm still technically a "seasonal" and mostly part-time employee. It's a company with a highly seasonal business -- during certain peak periods they need thousands of people to staff the call center (well, over a thousand, I'm guessing) but outside those periods the need shrinks considerably. I've made the cut to stay on during non-peak periods but my hours get cut back quite a bit during those times. The good part of that is that during those peak periods, those of us who've been around more than a season or two generally get assigned to special tasks, supervisory-type duties, and so on, which is a nice change of pace (and usually effective full-time status and higher pay for the duration).
Still alone (no girlfriend), still a bit isolated (dependent on mass transit, light social life), still not enough privacy (have to share a condo with three other people), and the crossdressing part of my existence is on indefinite hold. Still often depressed. Still, on the whole, directionless. Still pretty poor. Mostly coping.
Gaming
Spending most of my gaming time playing Lord of the Rings Online, on the Landroval server. A few of my real-life friends also play there, though for the time being I've largely lost them to Star Wars: The Old Republic. Occasionally flit about in Second Life, but it's been pretty palling lately. Now and then break out Dragon Age with the intention of eventually finishing it (both Origins and 2) but only sporadically. In one regular table-top RPG, which I sometimes enjoy, but I'm honestly there more for the fact that it gives me the opportunity to spend time with friends that I would otherwise see very rarely.
Nonetheless, given the alternatives we're being offered, I will certainly vote for the man in November. OMG, GOP: do you have some kind of bet going on to see who the worst possible candidate can be? Or (scarier thought) do that many people seriously agree with a substantial amount of what Rick Santorum says?
Personal
Personal life: well, I went to truck driving school, went out as a driver trainee for a few months, and was terminated due to two accidents (neither involving injuries; the first seriously damaged the trailer; the second was barely a scratch, but there was a "two strikes and you're out" policy for trainees). I might possibly have been able to get another position -- in fact, currently I'm getting lots of emails from the company advertising free training, so they're clearly desperate for people -- but now, I have to admit, I'd be scared to. I got pretty comfortable with driving on the freeway -- that's the easy part -- and imagine I eventually would have learned to cope with the difficulties of backing the trailer into loading docks. But driving on city streets in traffic....maybe I just don't have as much situational awareness as I thought, or maybe my many years of driving hundreds of thousands of miles in small cars and trucks has ingrained too many habits in me, but I don't think I'm cut out for it. Too bad in some ways, but possibly for the best in others; the social isolation of a truck driver's life (at least the kind of cross-country driving we were doing) might have been a very bad thing for me (and living for weeks on end in a truck cab with a co-driver and no privacy is even worse).
Currently doing customer service work, something I actually rather wanted to get into, as I always thought I'd be good at it....and I am. I like the problem-solving, and I like actually fixing things for people; fortunately, I work for a company that actually wants you to fix things for people and gives you the power to do so, rather than one which is only willing to go to the effort or spend the money when there's no alternative. I don't particularly care for the more "sales" part of the job -- taking orders for people who know what they want is fine, but trying to recommend things for people, or encouraging them to buy more or upgrade, isn't my forte. Fortunately, again, the company doesn't judge us by our sales figures or pay us on commission, or encourage us to use any kind of high-pressure techniques (we are supposed to offer upgrades and options, but the key word there is "offer" -- if people say no, move on).
Downside is that after about two and a half years, I'm still technically a "seasonal" and mostly part-time employee. It's a company with a highly seasonal business -- during certain peak periods they need thousands of people to staff the call center (well, over a thousand, I'm guessing) but outside those periods the need shrinks considerably. I've made the cut to stay on during non-peak periods but my hours get cut back quite a bit during those times. The good part of that is that during those peak periods, those of us who've been around more than a season or two generally get assigned to special tasks, supervisory-type duties, and so on, which is a nice change of pace (and usually effective full-time status and higher pay for the duration).
Still alone (no girlfriend), still a bit isolated (dependent on mass transit, light social life), still not enough privacy (have to share a condo with three other people), and the crossdressing part of my existence is on indefinite hold. Still often depressed. Still, on the whole, directionless. Still pretty poor. Mostly coping.
Gaming
Spending most of my gaming time playing Lord of the Rings Online, on the Landroval server. A few of my real-life friends also play there, though for the time being I've largely lost them to Star Wars: The Old Republic. Occasionally flit about in Second Life, but it's been pretty palling lately. Now and then break out Dragon Age with the intention of eventually finishing it (both Origins and 2) but only sporadically. In one regular table-top RPG, which I sometimes enjoy, but I'm honestly there more for the fact that it gives me the opportunity to spend time with friends that I would otherwise see very rarely.
New interface
Bleah, I say. Bleah. The previous interface was much less harsh looking and far more intuitive. (What the heck is an "enclosure link"?)Is there a way to go back to it? It said "try" the new interface. How do I stop trying?
Monday, April 02, 2012
Back With the Wind!
So, I was re-reading Gone With the Wind yesterday -- well, OK, I'm still re-reading it. Part of the reason I was re-reading it is that it was a nice thick book and once I started it I wouldn't have to worry about what to read next for a couple of days. But, there's a bit (really, several bits, but one in particular) where Rhett is urging Scarlett to stop hiding her real self beneath the front she puts up to be acceptable by society, and it struck a chord. I have a tendency to compartmentalize myself a bit online, and in real life, showing a somewhat different front to different audiences, and I thought: there really isn't a place where I present the whole me. Then I remembered the name of this blog, and thought: "duh." Perfect place for it!
So no more holding back! I'll talk about all the stuff that interests me, whether it's Marx Brothers movies, history of the Civil War, gaming geek stuff, my (sadly inactive) crossdressing, my interest in BDSM, my search for a partner to talk about all this stuff with and act on more of it, politics and current events, or how good a Cake Pop from Shari's Berries tastes! It's all here! Nothing will be taboo! For once I'll show the real me....
...well, OK, hiding behind an absurd pseudonym. Still, you know...baby steps.....
Some updates on previous topics to follow. Got to get moving to work.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Relationships
Behind me, my hosuemates are watching He’s Just Not That Into You. (I would probably be watching it with them, except I was in the middle of something when it started, so I decided to forget it.) The female one of the two has seen the film before, and says there are a lot of truisms about relationships in it.
Perhaps so, but I suspect that it would have moved me to frustration. I’m basing this mainly on my other similar films and stories.
Why? Well, to start with, I just plain don’t know people like that. Maybe it’s a factor partly of being older, but I don’t think I ever did, even in my twenties. What do I mean by “people like that”? Well, for one thing, women who are really all that concerned with how they look in general, and trying to look attractive to guys in particular. Oh, sure, just about all the women I know have some concern with their looks. But not to the point where they really seem moved to do much about it. Hell, of my female friends, I can only think of one who wears make-up regularly – and several who never do. The women I know don’t have closets full of shoes. They often are trying to lose weight, but entirely for themselves, not because they’re particularly worried about how their appearance might affect their odds of getting into, or maintaining, a relationship.
Not that they should be, mind. Just that it immediately creates a disconnect between these films and reality. And between reality and reality, for that matter; when I see women dressed up to go out, or wearing high heels when they don't absolutely have to, or who seem to be able to show a little cleavage without enormous self-consciousness -- they don't seem like real people to me. Sometimes I think they're just models hired to be in the background in the film of my life, but not actual characters in it.
Then there’s the fact that the films often focus on the lack of communications in a relationship. Both the men and women are typically guilty of this – the women expect men to magically understand their feelings and subtle hints. But they guys often don’t communicate at all, and certainly don’t talk about their deeper feelings. They seem to try to hide that they have much in the way of feelings at all. And they’re almost invariably afraid of commitment.
This I don’t understand at all. I am pretty obvious about the fact that I have feelings. I am not at all reluctant to talk about them; I am usually as honest as I can be about them. I am anxious, too, for the communication to go both ways: I want to know how she feels, what she’s dissatisfied with, and what she’s happy about; the former so I can be aware of areas that may need to be worked on, and the latter to boost my sense of security about the whole thing. And, while I am a little baffled at people who get into serious relationships too fast – the people who marry when they’ve only known each other a few months – there’s no question but that my long-term goal is a committed relationship.
So all this should result in women clamoring for my attentions, right? Bzzzzzt! Perhaps it’s not for those reasons, but it’s been over twenty years since I felt a woman had any interest in me, romantically or sexually. Maybe I’m oblivious, but you would think that if so, somewhere in that time someone would have dropped a hint even I couldn’t miss, or that I might have been informed by a third party.
Next, there’s the area where my current frustrations are focused: that the characters in these films are, most likely, not people in my economic situation. Maybe they have financial trouble, but it’s clear it’s a temporary setback: there’s some kind of career goal, or direction. (And even the “poor” ones can somehow afford to buy drinks in a bar…) If there is a guy in the story who is out of work and directionless, he’s probably there specifically to be the loser – and quite possibly the one who is playing games to get the woman to mostly support him.
As someone who is approaching 50 and still has no idea what he wants to be when he grows up – and as someone who currently has no income and a lot of bills, and thus is having trouble scrounging up the cash to even survive, let alone date or even have a lot of fun – it’s pretty damn discouraging. It is, to be sure, probably realistic. God knows that when women get a hint of my situation, any chance of ever building up to dating goes right out the window. My therapist keeps telling me that I have a “lot to offer” to the right woman; maybe I’m too cynical, but I’m finding that pretty damned hard to believe. And when I recently tried an experiment of getting friends to come up with things they could say about me that I could quote on a personals site – things that would be honest, but positive – I can’t help but feel it’s significant that all the male friends managed to come up with something, but from the females came dead silence.
Part of the problem, I think – and another reason that I find these films hard to identify with – is that I seem approach the whole question of relationships backwards from how other people do. This is why I would think personals websites would perhaps be the best approach for me to take: I want to make clear what I am like and what kind of things I am looking for in a relationship, and then search for someone whose interests and goals in that area are compatible. The “intangible” aspects – appearance, chemistry, things like that – come afterwards. I can’t say that such things don’t matter to me at all; there are women out there whose intellect and personality would work with mine, but where I just can’t imagine developing a physical attraction. Perhaps it is just because I’m an unusual case in the first place; but the odds are much better of me finding a particular woman attractive – or at least in the range where I know I could easily learn to find her attractive – than they are of finding an attractive woman to be compatible.
Other people seem (at least in the movies, but I think it’s largely true in real life as well) seem much more prone to start with looks and chemistry and similar things. They meet, they each like the way the other looks, they flirt and banter, and proceed to dating – and then they start to learn about each other. (There's the side issue of people who feel "weird" about the idea of dating someone with whom they've become friends. For me, this is also backwards: if I like a woman well enough to consider her a friend, and if I find her at all physically attractive -- and I almost always do -- then of course I would at least consider dating her; though I might well decide it's a bad idea when I look at all the factors.)
I find this totally perplexing. Sure, I see some very nice-looking women out there – not just the drop-dead gorgeous ones, but some who just have some kind of down-to-earth attractive vibe. But the notion of wanting to spend time with her just because she looks good is a little baffling. I’m well aware I just don’t have that much in common with the majority of people. I want to know before I go out with someone that we’re going to have something to talk about.
Anyhow…the basic thing is, I just plain don’t get it. I don’t understand how people get into relationships – particularly people past, say, the early twenties, when the hormones settle down a bit and people start being a little more realistic. I don’t understand why people stay in relationships with people they can’t have honest, open communications with. And I don’t quite understand what is so obviously wrong with me that I seem to put off women right from the start.
Perhaps so, but I suspect that it would have moved me to frustration. I’m basing this mainly on my other similar films and stories.
Why? Well, to start with, I just plain don’t know people like that. Maybe it’s a factor partly of being older, but I don’t think I ever did, even in my twenties. What do I mean by “people like that”? Well, for one thing, women who are really all that concerned with how they look in general, and trying to look attractive to guys in particular. Oh, sure, just about all the women I know have some concern with their looks. But not to the point where they really seem moved to do much about it. Hell, of my female friends, I can only think of one who wears make-up regularly – and several who never do. The women I know don’t have closets full of shoes. They often are trying to lose weight, but entirely for themselves, not because they’re particularly worried about how their appearance might affect their odds of getting into, or maintaining, a relationship.
Not that they should be, mind. Just that it immediately creates a disconnect between these films and reality. And between reality and reality, for that matter; when I see women dressed up to go out, or wearing high heels when they don't absolutely have to, or who seem to be able to show a little cleavage without enormous self-consciousness -- they don't seem like real people to me. Sometimes I think they're just models hired to be in the background in the film of my life, but not actual characters in it.
Then there’s the fact that the films often focus on the lack of communications in a relationship. Both the men and women are typically guilty of this – the women expect men to magically understand their feelings and subtle hints. But they guys often don’t communicate at all, and certainly don’t talk about their deeper feelings. They seem to try to hide that they have much in the way of feelings at all. And they’re almost invariably afraid of commitment.
This I don’t understand at all. I am pretty obvious about the fact that I have feelings. I am not at all reluctant to talk about them; I am usually as honest as I can be about them. I am anxious, too, for the communication to go both ways: I want to know how she feels, what she’s dissatisfied with, and what she’s happy about; the former so I can be aware of areas that may need to be worked on, and the latter to boost my sense of security about the whole thing. And, while I am a little baffled at people who get into serious relationships too fast – the people who marry when they’ve only known each other a few months – there’s no question but that my long-term goal is a committed relationship.
So all this should result in women clamoring for my attentions, right? Bzzzzzt! Perhaps it’s not for those reasons, but it’s been over twenty years since I felt a woman had any interest in me, romantically or sexually. Maybe I’m oblivious, but you would think that if so, somewhere in that time someone would have dropped a hint even I couldn’t miss, or that I might have been informed by a third party.
Next, there’s the area where my current frustrations are focused: that the characters in these films are, most likely, not people in my economic situation. Maybe they have financial trouble, but it’s clear it’s a temporary setback: there’s some kind of career goal, or direction. (And even the “poor” ones can somehow afford to buy drinks in a bar…) If there is a guy in the story who is out of work and directionless, he’s probably there specifically to be the loser – and quite possibly the one who is playing games to get the woman to mostly support him.
As someone who is approaching 50 and still has no idea what he wants to be when he grows up – and as someone who currently has no income and a lot of bills, and thus is having trouble scrounging up the cash to even survive, let alone date or even have a lot of fun – it’s pretty damn discouraging. It is, to be sure, probably realistic. God knows that when women get a hint of my situation, any chance of ever building up to dating goes right out the window. My therapist keeps telling me that I have a “lot to offer” to the right woman; maybe I’m too cynical, but I’m finding that pretty damned hard to believe. And when I recently tried an experiment of getting friends to come up with things they could say about me that I could quote on a personals site – things that would be honest, but positive – I can’t help but feel it’s significant that all the male friends managed to come up with something, but from the females came dead silence.
Part of the problem, I think – and another reason that I find these films hard to identify with – is that I seem approach the whole question of relationships backwards from how other people do. This is why I would think personals websites would perhaps be the best approach for me to take: I want to make clear what I am like and what kind of things I am looking for in a relationship, and then search for someone whose interests and goals in that area are compatible. The “intangible” aspects – appearance, chemistry, things like that – come afterwards. I can’t say that such things don’t matter to me at all; there are women out there whose intellect and personality would work with mine, but where I just can’t imagine developing a physical attraction. Perhaps it is just because I’m an unusual case in the first place; but the odds are much better of me finding a particular woman attractive – or at least in the range where I know I could easily learn to find her attractive – than they are of finding an attractive woman to be compatible.
Other people seem (at least in the movies, but I think it’s largely true in real life as well) seem much more prone to start with looks and chemistry and similar things. They meet, they each like the way the other looks, they flirt and banter, and proceed to dating – and then they start to learn about each other. (There's the side issue of people who feel "weird" about the idea of dating someone with whom they've become friends. For me, this is also backwards: if I like a woman well enough to consider her a friend, and if I find her at all physically attractive -- and I almost always do -- then of course I would at least consider dating her; though I might well decide it's a bad idea when I look at all the factors.)
I find this totally perplexing. Sure, I see some very nice-looking women out there – not just the drop-dead gorgeous ones, but some who just have some kind of down-to-earth attractive vibe. But the notion of wanting to spend time with her just because she looks good is a little baffling. I’m well aware I just don’t have that much in common with the majority of people. I want to know before I go out with someone that we’re going to have something to talk about.
Anyhow…the basic thing is, I just plain don’t get it. I don’t understand how people get into relationships – particularly people past, say, the early twenties, when the hormones settle down a bit and people start being a little more realistic. I don’t understand why people stay in relationships with people they can’t have honest, open communications with. And I don’t quite understand what is so obviously wrong with me that I seem to put off women right from the start.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Freeway trouble
So yesterday afternoon, around 3:15 or so, I'm coming home from an errand, heading south on the 805 freeway, when there's a backup approaching the transition ramps to I-15. When I get close enough, I see the ramps are closed due to an accident; it's being cleared, but there's a car on the ramp turned sideways to the direction of traffic.
Not all that unusual. But today, again returning home from an errand, this time about 11:00 AM, there's another accident, on the same transition ramp, this time blocking only part of it, but again, involving a car turned sideways -- and this time rolled onto its side, as well.
By my calculations, therefore, if I take that route at 6:45 AM or so tomorrow, there should be another accident, but this time with the car actually rolled over onto its back.
Seriously, kind of odd. I've used that transition ramp before and never thought it to be particularly hazardous. If I use it any time soon, though, I will definitely use a little extra caution.
Not all that unusual. But today, again returning home from an errand, this time about 11:00 AM, there's another accident, on the same transition ramp, this time blocking only part of it, but again, involving a car turned sideways -- and this time rolled onto its side, as well.
By my calculations, therefore, if I take that route at 6:45 AM or so tomorrow, there should be another accident, but this time with the car actually rolled over onto its back.
Seriously, kind of odd. I've used that transition ramp before and never thought it to be particularly hazardous. If I use it any time soon, though, I will definitely use a little extra caution.
Monday, April 20, 2009
So what do you do...
...when the only thing you really seem to want out of life is impossible? And I don't just mean unlikely, I mean physically and temporally impossible. Stop wanting it? My fear is that if I do that, then I won't really want anything. There won't be anything left. What then? Just quit?
Obama smiles at Chavez
So all over the place today, Republicans and others are up in arms about the fact that President Obama met with Hugo Chavez, and (gasp) shook his hand, and even (OMG) smiled at him...
I can totally understand this. Chavez has said many bad things about the US.
Fortunately, we know that no Republican would even meet with, let alone shake hands with, smile at, or be pleasant to the leader of a country that might be our enemy, would he?
No, that couldn't happen. Any more than former POW John McCain might go back to Viet Nam or try to improve our relations with that country. Nope, never.
I can totally understand this. Chavez has said many bad things about the US.
Fortunately, we know that no Republican would even meet with, let alone shake hands with, smile at, or be pleasant to the leader of a country that might be our enemy, would he?
No, that couldn't happen. Any more than former POW John McCain might go back to Viet Nam or try to improve our relations with that country. Nope, never.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 08, 2009
No one wants to play with me....
I know this is an odd topic for a 47-year-old man, apart from which it's going to be a bit of a whingeing session, so if you find that distasteful, you might want to browse elsewhere fora while. But it's a topic that's been growing on my mind now for a couple of years, and sometimes seems like it's been with me my whole life...
Nobody wants to play with me!
I don't mean that literally and 100 percent, of course. There are people who are *willing* to play with me, in some areas; even those who openly enjoy it. But there doesn't seem to really be anyone who actively seeks it out and, frankly, who'd rather play with me than with anyone else, or even than with most other people.
This extends into several different areas:
Online games -- I have friends I used to play in MMORPG's with, and even, very occasionally, still do. But I always seem to be the odd one, the spare tire -- welcome but not absolutely required. This really came home one night during a phase of my "World of Warcraft" career -- I was playing regularly, but most of my friends had dropped to playing only occasionally. So one night, after I hadn't had anyone to team with for a week, my friends all got on -- and formed a group that had no room for me. I had to log off and leave the house; I've rarely felt so utterly disregarded and abandoned.
These days, most of my online gaming is in City of Heroes. Most of my RL friends have moved away from it; one or two look in occasionally. I've been trying to find a supergroup ("guild" to veterans of other games) that I fit in with, and it just doesn't seem to happen. Either they're almost entirely inactive (at least during the time periods I'm on), or the people in them don't seem to really want to be active with one another (which makes me wonder why they're even in the group), or the group is centered around a small core of players and everyone else is window dressing. Finding the right balance of roleplaying and actual play seems to be impossible. I know the groups must be out there, but finding them and fitting in seems to be beyond me.
Other games -- my friends certainly haven't invited me to play "Rock Band" in some time. And ever since "Rock Band" came out, no one wants to play "Karaoke Revolution" at all...
Crossdressing -- OK, my gender issues aren't really a "game" per se. It's something important to me in a number of ways. But there are ways in which I'd like to "play" with it. I'd like to find a costuming partner, someone who would enjoy making matching or compatible costumes and wearing them and acting to some degree in character at places like SF conventions and renaissance faires. I'd like to find a sister or best girlfriend who I could confide in and hang out with, and be there for. I'd like the chance to find someone who understands and is sympathetic to the fact that there are a lot of things I'd still find exciting about being a girl that most adult women have grown out of, or at least come to take for granted.
Kinky games -- I won't go into too much detail here, but lord knows I can't find a partner interested in trying out some kinky things with me, exploring fetishes and roles and games that I find intensely attractive. I know of some places to contact people who are theoretically into it, but either they just seem to have a very different mindset about it, or they want to play -- but again, not with *me*.
And combining the above areas, I certainly couldn't seem to find any person or group I fit in with in Second Life...
I don't know. It just seems to me that, either no one wants to play, or they don't want to play the same games I want to play -- or they just don't see me as someone worth playing with.
Nobody wants to play with me!
I don't mean that literally and 100 percent, of course. There are people who are *willing* to play with me, in some areas; even those who openly enjoy it. But there doesn't seem to really be anyone who actively seeks it out and, frankly, who'd rather play with me than with anyone else, or even than with most other people.
This extends into several different areas:
Online games -- I have friends I used to play in MMORPG's with, and even, very occasionally, still do. But I always seem to be the odd one, the spare tire -- welcome but not absolutely required. This really came home one night during a phase of my "World of Warcraft" career -- I was playing regularly, but most of my friends had dropped to playing only occasionally. So one night, after I hadn't had anyone to team with for a week, my friends all got on -- and formed a group that had no room for me. I had to log off and leave the house; I've rarely felt so utterly disregarded and abandoned.
These days, most of my online gaming is in City of Heroes. Most of my RL friends have moved away from it; one or two look in occasionally. I've been trying to find a supergroup ("guild" to veterans of other games) that I fit in with, and it just doesn't seem to happen. Either they're almost entirely inactive (at least during the time periods I'm on), or the people in them don't seem to really want to be active with one another (which makes me wonder why they're even in the group), or the group is centered around a small core of players and everyone else is window dressing. Finding the right balance of roleplaying and actual play seems to be impossible. I know the groups must be out there, but finding them and fitting in seems to be beyond me.
Other games -- my friends certainly haven't invited me to play "Rock Band" in some time. And ever since "Rock Band" came out, no one wants to play "Karaoke Revolution" at all...
Crossdressing -- OK, my gender issues aren't really a "game" per se. It's something important to me in a number of ways. But there are ways in which I'd like to "play" with it. I'd like to find a costuming partner, someone who would enjoy making matching or compatible costumes and wearing them and acting to some degree in character at places like SF conventions and renaissance faires. I'd like to find a sister or best girlfriend who I could confide in and hang out with, and be there for. I'd like the chance to find someone who understands and is sympathetic to the fact that there are a lot of things I'd still find exciting about being a girl that most adult women have grown out of, or at least come to take for granted.
Kinky games -- I won't go into too much detail here, but lord knows I can't find a partner interested in trying out some kinky things with me, exploring fetishes and roles and games that I find intensely attractive. I know of some places to contact people who are theoretically into it, but either they just seem to have a very different mindset about it, or they want to play -- but again, not with *me*.
And combining the above areas, I certainly couldn't seem to find any person or group I fit in with in Second Life...
I don't know. It just seems to me that, either no one wants to play, or they don't want to play the same games I want to play -- or they just don't see me as someone worth playing with.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
2009
Well, the schedule of events is looking good so far....
January 20th: Barack Obama takes office.
February 10th: New Christopher Moore book to be released.
March 6th: Watchmen film to open on time.
Yep, just keeps getting better!
January 20th: Barack Obama takes office.
February 10th: New Christopher Moore book to be released.
March 6th: Watchmen film to open on time.
Yep, just keeps getting better!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
More Ann Coulter!
The folks over at Media Matters are calling for people to complain to NBC that they are, once again, helping Ann Coulter sell books. She appears often on MSNBC and Fox News -- that's not so surprising; her name attracts viewers, to applaud or despise, and they have 24 hours a day to fill with something. Controversy is their lifeblood, along with pretty missing white girls. But they are outraged that Ann is scheduled to appear on the Today show on January 6th. "Enough is enough!" they say.
I disagree. I say we should have Coulter on the air as often as possible.
Let's face it -- if pressure from "the left" causes networks to stop giving her airtime, it will only give her and her cohorts more proof that liberals control the media, and are hypocritical for saying they support free speech while suppressing conservative opinions.
No, I think a better tactic is to give Ann Coulter plenty of airtime. Let her on every show she wants to be on. Make hers the visible face of right-wing America. Sure, she'll sell a few more books. But meanwhile, people will get to hear her as she calls Al Gore a "total fag," says that women's suffrage "explains the destruction of America," calls for feeding rat poison to Supreme Court Justices, blowing up the New York Times and invading Muslim countries to convert them to Christianity, likens Barack Obama to Adolph Hitler, say that Hillary Clinton would enjoy torturing detainees in Guantanamo, that Jews believe Jesus was a "raving lunatic," and more ridiculous and outrageous comments than I have time to list if I spent all of 2009 at it. Keep her on and talking, and make sure to splash "conservative" all over her -- until finally, actual reasonable conservatives rise up and say, "For God's sake, stop letting this woman speak for us! Shut up, Ann! SHUT UP!"
You know it's pretty bad when, compared to this woman, Pat Buchanan seems like the voice of reason itself.
I disagree. I say we should have Coulter on the air as often as possible.
Let's face it -- if pressure from "the left" causes networks to stop giving her airtime, it will only give her and her cohorts more proof that liberals control the media, and are hypocritical for saying they support free speech while suppressing conservative opinions.
No, I think a better tactic is to give Ann Coulter plenty of airtime. Let her on every show she wants to be on. Make hers the visible face of right-wing America. Sure, she'll sell a few more books. But meanwhile, people will get to hear her as she calls Al Gore a "total fag," says that women's suffrage "explains the destruction of America," calls for feeding rat poison to Supreme Court Justices, blowing up the New York Times and invading Muslim countries to convert them to Christianity, likens Barack Obama to Adolph Hitler, say that Hillary Clinton would enjoy torturing detainees in Guantanamo, that Jews believe Jesus was a "raving lunatic," and more ridiculous and outrageous comments than I have time to list if I spent all of 2009 at it. Keep her on and talking, and make sure to splash "conservative" all over her -- until finally, actual reasonable conservatives rise up and say, "For God's sake, stop letting this woman speak for us! Shut up, Ann! SHUT UP!"
You know it's pretty bad when, compared to this woman, Pat Buchanan seems like the voice of reason itself.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Drip, drip, drip
Went out and voted around 9:00 AM. The polling place was busy, but there were no lines, which is good since they would be out in the rain. I expect there will be lines later, and the rain is probably going to be sporadic all day, so I hope it doesn't affect turnout. Not that I would expect Obama to lose California -- if the polls are that far off, the election will be over long before it gets to us -- but it could affect the vote for Prop 8 and other state and local issues.
I've never stood in line to vote for more than a few minutes, myself -- California, or at least the areas I've lived, seems to be good in this respect -- so when I see hours-long lines in other states, I'm always a little astonished. I'm glad we have people who are determined enough to vote in these states.
I've never stood in line to vote for more than a few minutes, myself -- California, or at least the areas I've lived, seems to be good in this respect -- so when I see hours-long lines in other states, I'm always a little astonished. I'm glad we have people who are determined enough to vote in these states.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Prop 8
I've been doing a lot of work up in Orange County, particularly in Santa Ana, the last few weeks. Orange County is one of California's more conservative areas, and the area where I've been working is very heavily Latino (and therefore heavily Catholic). So it's hard to look far there without seeing a "Yes on 8" bumper sticker or yard sign. On a few days, there were groups out on street corners waving pro-8 signs.
It was gratifying today, therefore, to see a group on a corner of Bristol Street near the 405 freeway waving "No on 8" signs -- and even more gratifying to hear the many honks of support they were getting from passing cars. It made me feel a bit better about the prospects for Tuesday.
For those who may not know, Proposition 8 is the measure that would amend California's state constitution to restrict marriage to a union between a man and a woman. It's a response to last spring's decision by the state's Supreme Court that laws against such unions violated the California constitution. Since then, an estimate 16,000 same-sex couples have legally tied the knot in the state. Proposition 8, amongst other thing, would throw them into a legal limbo as the courts try to decide whether their marriages could be nullified retroactively.
Even if I had reservations about gay marriage, I have to say that the Yes-on-8 crowd would probably have driving me to a No vote. The signs they were waving made me crazy. "Yes on 8 = Freedom of Religion." ....uh, what? Something is against your religion, so other people can't do it? Wouldn't that be like someone saying, "I'm Jewish, so you can't eat pork"? There are countries which work that way, but they don't have freedom of religion. No one is going to be forced to marry a member of the same sex -- if doing so is against your religion, then don't do it. Seems simple enough.
Now, if the courts specified that churches had to perform and recognize same-sex marriages, that would be quite another thing. But it doesn't. Churches, AFAIK, are free to set their own standards on what marriages they recognize. But the law ought to be the same for everyone.
"Yes on 8 = Free Speech." Say what? Look, just because same sex marriage might be legal doesn't mean you have to like it -- or that you can't express your disapproval. Smoking cigarettes is legal, but that certainly doesn't stop me from saying I think doing so is idiotic. Pre-marital and extra-marital sex are not illegal, but they are certainly frowned upon by most churches and even many non-religious people; they haven't had to take "Thou shalt not commit adultery" out of the Bible yet.
I recognize that many religious people genuinely feel that same-sex marriage violates God's will. But last I checked, God didn't think much of liars, either. And these tactics are at the very least a distraction from the real issue.
I also strongly feel that for many people, religion is merely the excuse to legitimize their homophobia. I don't see groups out there trying to get laws passed against adultery and fornication -- and Jesus talked about those sins often, while he never mentioned homosexuality in any Gospel I've heard of. (I also know some very religious people who are not at all homophobic, some of whom are genuinely conflicted over the issue of same-sex marriage.)
As for me -- well, as I understand it, at least some churches take the position that simply being gay isn't in itself sinful -- but acting on it is. These people, I think should fully support gay marriage -- since everyone knows that once couples are married, they have much less sex. :)
It was gratifying today, therefore, to see a group on a corner of Bristol Street near the 405 freeway waving "No on 8" signs -- and even more gratifying to hear the many honks of support they were getting from passing cars. It made me feel a bit better about the prospects for Tuesday.
For those who may not know, Proposition 8 is the measure that would amend California's state constitution to restrict marriage to a union between a man and a woman. It's a response to last spring's decision by the state's Supreme Court that laws against such unions violated the California constitution. Since then, an estimate 16,000 same-sex couples have legally tied the knot in the state. Proposition 8, amongst other thing, would throw them into a legal limbo as the courts try to decide whether their marriages could be nullified retroactively.
Even if I had reservations about gay marriage, I have to say that the Yes-on-8 crowd would probably have driving me to a No vote. The signs they were waving made me crazy. "Yes on 8 = Freedom of Religion." ....uh, what? Something is against your religion, so other people can't do it? Wouldn't that be like someone saying, "I'm Jewish, so you can't eat pork"? There are countries which work that way, but they don't have freedom of religion. No one is going to be forced to marry a member of the same sex -- if doing so is against your religion, then don't do it. Seems simple enough.
Now, if the courts specified that churches had to perform and recognize same-sex marriages, that would be quite another thing. But it doesn't. Churches, AFAIK, are free to set their own standards on what marriages they recognize. But the law ought to be the same for everyone.
"Yes on 8 = Free Speech." Say what? Look, just because same sex marriage might be legal doesn't mean you have to like it -- or that you can't express your disapproval. Smoking cigarettes is legal, but that certainly doesn't stop me from saying I think doing so is idiotic. Pre-marital and extra-marital sex are not illegal, but they are certainly frowned upon by most churches and even many non-religious people; they haven't had to take "Thou shalt not commit adultery" out of the Bible yet.
I recognize that many religious people genuinely feel that same-sex marriage violates God's will. But last I checked, God didn't think much of liars, either. And these tactics are at the very least a distraction from the real issue.
I also strongly feel that for many people, religion is merely the excuse to legitimize their homophobia. I don't see groups out there trying to get laws passed against adultery and fornication -- and Jesus talked about those sins often, while he never mentioned homosexuality in any Gospel I've heard of. (I also know some very religious people who are not at all homophobic, some of whom are genuinely conflicted over the issue of same-sex marriage.)
As for me -- well, as I understand it, at least some churches take the position that simply being gay isn't in itself sinful -- but acting on it is. These people, I think should fully support gay marriage -- since everyone knows that once couples are married, they have much less sex. :)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Thanks, Barack
...for a 30-minute spot reminding me why I've been supporting you all along. That was a nice piece of work.
Sorry to ditch my cynicism for a moment, but I feel it all over again. This guy gets it. Maybe not every single idea of his is the right one, but he gets it. He's going to do his best, he's going to learn from his mistakes, he's going to take his job seriously, he's going to listen as well as lead. He thinks things through. He knows who he's going to be working for, and he won't forget us.
America, let's put this guy in the White House. We need him.
Sorry to ditch my cynicism for a moment, but I feel it all over again. This guy gets it. Maybe not every single idea of his is the right one, but he gets it. He's going to do his best, he's going to learn from his mistakes, he's going to take his job seriously, he's going to listen as well as lead. He thinks things through. He knows who he's going to be working for, and he won't forget us.
America, let's put this guy in the White House. We need him.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Such a deal...
All the $1.29 varieties are on sale for only $1.29? Good to find a bargain in these tough economic times....
Saturday, October 25th
Today, I accomplished the important things I set out to do.
It feels....weird.
It feels....weird.
Monday, October 20, 2008
"Situation hopeless; off for Wimbeldon finals."
Well, the financial issues which I thought were merely extremely acute and serious, turn out to be slightly worse than that.
Basically: I currently have $3 cash in my wallet, and maybe around $5 in loose change in various places. My checking account is overdrawn up to (and slightly past) my overdraft limit. My credit cards are all more than maxed. I have some gas fumes in the tank of my car. My larder holds approximately one jar of peanut butter and some condiments. I don't get paid for at least five days -- more probably eight -- and, even if I get the maximum I think I can reasonably expect, it still won't bring my bank account balance above zero. But in fact, it's worse than that, since unless I can find at least a little cash, I can't do the rest of the work I have scheduled owing to the aforementioned lack of gas in the car. I've borrowed about as much money as I can from friends and family, I think, and had a salary advance from my employer. I've got an outstanding cash advance from one of those "payday loan" places. And I've just discovered that the only expendable possession immediately available (my digital camera) isn't worth enough to be able to pawn.
Suggestions for immediate action would be strongly welcomed.
Basically: I currently have $3 cash in my wallet, and maybe around $5 in loose change in various places. My checking account is overdrawn up to (and slightly past) my overdraft limit. My credit cards are all more than maxed. I have some gas fumes in the tank of my car. My larder holds approximately one jar of peanut butter and some condiments. I don't get paid for at least five days -- more probably eight -- and, even if I get the maximum I think I can reasonably expect, it still won't bring my bank account balance above zero. But in fact, it's worse than that, since unless I can find at least a little cash, I can't do the rest of the work I have scheduled owing to the aforementioned lack of gas in the car. I've borrowed about as much money as I can from friends and family, I think, and had a salary advance from my employer. I've got an outstanding cash advance from one of those "payday loan" places. And I've just discovered that the only expendable possession immediately available (my digital camera) isn't worth enough to be able to pawn.
Suggestions for immediate action would be strongly welcomed.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Anger
I spent almost the entire afternoon being angry. I won't go into why, as I'm not sure how much it matters -- everything was making me angry. It was, in a way, frightening.
Better now. I am hoping it was largely owing to having stupidly allowed my medication to run out. I should be able to remedy this tomorrow. There were also work-related issues, but I don't think I would have stayed so angry, so frustrated, for so many hours, and at so many things, if not for the med withdrawal. I hope so, anyway.
Better now. I am hoping it was largely owing to having stupidly allowed my medication to run out. I should be able to remedy this tomorrow. There were also work-related issues, but I don't think I would have stayed so angry, so frustrated, for so many hours, and at so many things, if not for the med withdrawal. I hope so, anyway.